February 3, 2011

This day will stick in my mind forever.  It was such a bittersweet day for me.

Thursday started out as many others... Emma and I got up, got dressed and ran some much needed errands.  It was freezing rain out and we needed groceries in the event that the weather got bad and we couldn't get out over the weekend.

We picked up our prescription refills and then headed to Wal-Mart to get our groceries.  All through Wal-Mart Emma kept screaming, "Santa Claus" at some old man... one who must have figured out how humiliated I was and kept popping up so she would scream some more.  After gathering all of the things on my list, we headed home.  Rain kept freezing on my windshield and I was a little nervous to about getting home.  We finally made it, but not before Emma fell asleep.

I got her out and put her to bed, not expecting her to nap long because she missed lunch and didn't eat much for breakfast.  I went about unloading groceries, making lunch, etc.  Chuck came home from work because of the weather and still, Emma slept.  Finally, after she had been asleep for three hours, I decided to open her door and let the noise wake her.  She woke thirty minutes later and I brought her into the kitchen for a snack.

I handed her some grapes and she handed me her paci, saying that it was yucky.  She kept wiping her mouth saying, "Yucky.  I spit it out."  I didn't think much of it and just tossed her paci in the sink to be washed.  Later, she asked for it so I rinsed it, told her it was all clean, and gave it back to her.  She took it and went on about playing.

Not long after this, she told Chuck that her paci was yucky and he just suggested that she throw it in the garbage.  This sounded like a good idea to her, so he called to me and asked if it were okay.  Never believing that she would do it, I said, "okay."  We told her that if she threw it in the garbage that she could not have it back.  She said okay and marched to the garbage, opened it, tossed it in and said, "Bye-Bye, Paci" and closed the garbage.  Still, I didn't believe that this would last long.

Emma spent the rest of the afternoon/evening playing and not thinking about her paci... though, it weighed heavily on my mind.  I even got it out of the trash when she wasn't looking to clean and put away, just in case.

Just before bath time, Emma was playing in the kitchen, running circles around the island while I cooked.  Unfortunately, she's just the right height to catch the corner if she gets too close.  And, of course, she did.  It was a pretty hard lick and she cried.  I fully expected her to demand her paci, but all she did was ask once for it.  I reminded her that she threw it away and she dropped the subject.  I secretly wished she had protested.  I was beginning to realize that I wasn't ready for her paci to be gone.

When it came time for bed, she told me that paci was in the gar-judge.  Again, I thought she would cry for it, but she didn't.  She did cry at bed time, but never once did she ask for her paci.  She just kept telling me that where it was.  I was heart broken and cried my eyes out.  I even called my mom and cried.  But, we stuck it out and didn't give her paci back.  Emma did, however, sleep with us that night.  I laid down with her and she chattered non-stop and sang every song she knew, particularly Jingle Bells,  for hours.  I fell asleep before she did.  Actually, the last thing I remember was turning on my side with my back to her, she wiggling her way up to get cheek to cheek with me and singing Jingle Bells as drool ran out of her mouth onto my cheek.

Later in the night, our dog, Macie started barking and woke everyone up.  Emma started singing and talking again.  I just went back to sleep.  Then, it happened again around 4... Macie barked, we all woke up, but this time, Emma and I didn't go back to sleep.  It wasn't for a lack of trying, but it just didn't happen.

Since throwing away her paci, Emma has been such a big girl.  She cries, and I know that she wants it, but she doesn't ask for it.  Occasionally, she tells me that paci is in the gar-judge, but that's about it.  Getting to sleep is the hard time.  Even when she's tired, she has a hard time drifting off.  And, it seems that the longer we go without it, the worse it gets.  Also, it isn't helping that she is cutting a new tooth.  She is getting an eye tooth in, and I have always heard that they are bad... well, it is worse than I could have imagined.  Even with Motrin/Tylenol around the clock, she still chews on her finger until it is all red and hot and swollen.  She will show it to me and say, "Hot, hurt."  I've tried everything I can think of to help her out, but nothing has helped.

It has been three nights and I don't know how many more I can take.  Not only are none of us getting much sleep, it breaks my heart thinking about what she is feeling.  I still find myself tearing up when I think about it, or the lack of it, actually.  I found two of them yesterday and cried as I washed them and put them away.  I know they will never be used again, but I can't bring myself to throw them in the garbage for good.

I thought I was ready for this... I have been trying to figure out a way to get rid of the paci.  I'm so not ready, though.  Three days in and I am still crying over her paci.  I know it is selfish to want to give it back to her for my own sake, to make me feel better.  I know that this is part of her growing up, but man it is tough.  I dread the really big things that she faces!  If I'm this much of a nut-case over a paci, there's no telling how crazy I will be over something big!