Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dear Wednesday...

Dear Wednesday,

You're here... well, almost...already... again.  Where do Monday and Tuesday go in such a hurry?  I have to admit, though, that I am actually looking forward to your arrival.

You see, I am going to find my house when you get here.  And that positive attitude that I had so early Monday morning?  Well, it will be house hunting with me!

I am feeling better about this move, feeling more at peace with what is to come.  I have made up my mind that I am going to immerse myself in Meridian Life and all that it has to offer.  I am going to make it a point to love my life there.  I have spent almost three years hating where I lived, and I refuse to do it any more.

So Wednesday... BRING. IT. ON.  My home awaits me.  I am now just impatiently waiting on you to get here so I can find it.


Monday, April 19, 2010

A Little Better...

It's a new week and I have a new attitude, as of right now.  I am feeling a little better about moving.

After much thought and discussion, I have come to the realization that Meridian is where we need to be right now.  Not that I love the idea, but I really think that is best for our family.  I have prayed for peace about the situation and it has been delivered.  I am very thankful for that.

This week, we will re-start the process of house hunting... in Meridian this time.  I love house hunting, so I am looking forward to that.  I am praying that this move will be an enjoyable one, and when the time comes, I will be a little sad to move.  See?  A whole new attitude!  But, it's only 7:45 on Monday morning!  Just pray that this new attitude lasts!

And, say a prayer that we have truly listened to God and made the right decision.  I feel like we have because I am more at peace about it... We shall see!

Happy Monday!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I thought I might be a little better today.  I thought I would be better able to deal with things today.  I thought wrong.

When I awoke this morning, the darkness was still there, even darker than before.  Hopelessness filled me and I didn't even want to get out of bed.  I finally did and went through the motions of the morning.  I held it together until Chuck left, but then I did nothing but cry.  Emma didn't understand; how could she?  

Try as she might, she couldn't get the usual laughing response from me that she is accustomed to when she is being silly.  And though she would come up and hug me or sit in my lap, I still felt like she was a million miles away.  

When it was time for her nap, I laid on the couch too.  There is only a mountain of laundry in the laundry room, stacks of dishes in the sink, beds to be made, floors to be cleaned, and sewing to be done to get ready for Canton, but I did nothing.  Well, nothing except cry.  

I didn't want to.  I wanted to be strong, take all of this in stride.  I couldn't, though.  It took most of the morning, but I finally got a shower and got dressed.  Chuck had mention me coming to Meridian to look at houses there.  I texted him about it and he told me to come.  So, I did.  I cried the whole drive over and some more when he got in the car.  We looked, and became more confused...

Do we buy something to live in, something we love or do we just rent?  There is no clear answer.  Chuck is leaning toward buying a small house that we could rent out later.  It isn't that I am opposed to that, I just don't know what to think.  I am terrified of buying a house we love and then hating the town.  That is pretty much what we got ourselves into in Philly and have had to stay here until we were able to sell our house.

I am also afraid of buying a small rent-able (possibly) house because what if we get stuck with it?  Although the house that we are considering is smaller and much less expensive than what we would buy for a permanent home, we couldn't handle it and another mortgage if we were given the opportunity to move.  

And, the rentals we have checked into are very high... The monthly rent is more than our current house payment.  So, that seems like money down the drain.  Not to mention that we have a Yorkie and a Lab...

Like I have said, there is no clear answer.

Chuck is frustrated that he doesn't have the answer, and he is internalizing his frustration.  He keeps saying that we are running out of time, and we are.  We close on our house in just over a month.  

I am trying to be supportive of what is best for the three of us as a whole, but he knows how I feel.  He has seen me cry over this.  Neither of us are excited about moving to Meridian.  

And, even though we keep verbalizing the positives (saving money, etc.) of the situation, it is pretty obvious that neither of us are really buying it.  

I keep praying for peace and clarity, but I haven't really found either.  I know that God has a plan for us, and I trust that His plan is perfect.  But what if we choose Starkville, and God's plan was for us to go to Meridian, or the other way around... What if we aren't able to be still and listen to what God wants us to do?  What if we mess things up?  What if... What if... What if???  I know that we can't live our lives wondering 'what if?' But, we do have to consider these questions before making a decision.  And time is running out.  

Chuck is gone for a little while tonight.  He is in Starkville getting ready for a cooking competition that he is in this weekend.  It is hard on me when he is gone doing these things.  I am left here in Philadelphia taking care of Emma, the dogs and the house while he is doing his thing.  Emma and I go to the actual competitions, but it isn't the same when you have to drive an hour each way.  I considered staying in Starkville with friends, but then who will take care of the dogs?  Yes, we have taken them to our friends before and could take them this weekend, but I feel bad doing that.  I mean, it's bad enough to come in with all my stuff and Emma's stuff, but throw in two dogs... I just feel guilty.

While my sewing machine is sputtering along in the background (I hope it will hold out until Canton!), I have been searching the internet for something.  Anything that might give me comfort.  I was actually looking for the verse Jeremiah 29:11, but stumbled upon Romans 15:13.  I feel like it is something to cling to right now. 

Hopefully, this will help me keep the darkness from closing in completely.  A dear friend told me today that "the light is ALWAYS shining at the end of the tunnel, we just have to know where to look because the tunnel's not always straight."  That was definitely something I needed today.  And, I will continue to repeat this to myself until I find the light again.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


After three years of hoping, praying, and wishing, we have finally sold our house!  There have been so many days that I never thought this would happen.  I have cried countless tears and begged and pleaded with God for this.  Philadelphia has never felt like home to me and I have honestly been biding my time until we could move back to Starkville.  I haven't made any friends here, and the acquaintances I have, are strictly that.

My family is an hour and a half away, a long, hard hour and a half drive.  Now that I am not working, it is easier; but when I was working, it was hard... especially with a new baby.  And, this isn't a town that people come to just to get away, or shop, or anything else for that matter...

It has been a very lonely three years.  Years, that were hard on their own, but toss into the mix that I live with depression, and you have a recipe for disaster.  For the most part, I think I have dealt with it all pretty well, but there were many, many hard times that I just didn't know if I could get out of that dark place.

So, now that our house has sold, we are faced with finding a new home.  A challenge that I looked forward to until today.  What changed?  Nothing really, except for the fact that I opened my eyes to reality.

We have been house hunting in Starkville and have found some we really like.  We have both been so excited about moving out of Philadelphia that nothing else has really seemed to matter.  But, now that the excitement has subsided and we are thinking more clearly, it seems that things aren't so simple.  Chuck's job is in Meridian... which is an hour and a half drive from Starkville.  And though they want to expand to the Starkville area, it isn't something they can do right now.  And, they can't really give us a time frame on when that might happen.

We have discussed him staying at our camphouse during the week and being in Starkville on the weekends.  Plus, Emma and I would go down and stay with Chuck during the week too.  But, the reality of that is, that idea is not the best.  The camphouse isn't built yet, so that's a problem.  Even if it were already built, we aren't sure what utility cost will be per month, so we can't budget for that.  So, now, this great idea seems much less great.

He doesn't want to be away from Emma or me all week, and I don't want that either.  But neither of us are really excited about living in Meridian.  And, I am less excited than Chuck.  Which, a lot of my hesitation is that Meridian puts me two and a half hours from my family.  I miss them so much already.  And, I don't have any friends in Meridian.  From what I know about Meridian, it is very hard to get into any of the 'groups' that exist.  And, outsiders aren't easily let in.  I don't do well in situations like that.  I am very guarded and come across as cold (so I have been told).  I don't mean too, and even when I try to be more open and friendly, I still come across as cold.  Which is part of the reason I don't have any friends here.  I have tried, I really have.

And, I know that over the last three years I have become more introverted, and I keep to myself.  It isn't unusual for me to go days without talking to an adult other than Chuck or my mom.  I just don't know what possibly another three years of that will do to me.

But, I also don't know what it will do to me and Chuck to be apart that much.  Marriage is hard enough as it is.  But, throw in there distance and separation and it makes it even harder.  I mean, we would be leading separate lives.  I couldn't live with myself if we didn't make it.  I would feel so guilty for tearing apart our family, for separating Emma from Chuck.

I know how I felt when I had to leave Emma and return to work.  I was devastated.  And, I still saw her every day.  I felt like I missed out on the first 5 months of her life.  I just don't think it would be fair to Chuck if she and I were in Starkville and he in Meridian.  He would miss so much.  And, there's no way to ever get that back.

I just don't know what to do.  Either way, I am going to separated from people I love most.  People that I need in my life; people that support me most.  And, either way, Emma is going to be more distant to those people too.  And, I hate that.  I mean, I grew up within walking distance from most of my family.  We are the family that knows every aunt, uncle or cousin that we have ever had.  We are close.  I am so scared of being so far away from that.

I have been praying that God will give us the answers that we need so that we feel good about our decision.  But, I feel more lost and confused now than ever.  I feel so alone.  Emma is with Chuck's parents today, and he's 45 minutes away at work.  I know that all I have to do is call Chuck or my parents or my friends, but it isn't the same as them being here.  It isn't the same as having them just sit with me as I cry and struggle with this.

I am struggling so much today.

Monday, April 5, 2010

The infamous 'Red Room'

I can't believe that as I am sitting here typing this post that it is only noon.  I have had quite the long night and morning.  I swear that we have other rooms in our house other than the infamous 'red room,' but it seems that all the blog-worthy events happen there.  Even though that in reality, we are hardly ever in there.

So, anyway, back to the long night and morning... After an eventful weekend, I decided to go to bed at a decent hour.  That was all great and wonderful until around midnight.  Emma woke up and couldn't seem to get herself back to sleep.  After a little while I went to her room and began to rock her.  I noticed that she didn't have her paci, so I went to get it out of her bed.  Only, it wasn't in her bed... None of the 6 that are usually in her bed were there.  So, with her in tow, I began searching the floor in the dark for a paci.  Finally, I found one and we started rocking again.  It wasn't long before I had rocked myself to sleep, but not Emma.  I woke up to her staring at me; at that point, I decided that we would spend the rest of the night in the 'red room.'  It was the usual long, restless night with little sleep for me and even less room on the bed for me.

I was a trooper, though, and when it was time to get up, I did and began my day.  Things were going smoothly, until Meiko,our Yorkie,  decided to play with the tennis ball that Emma took from Macie, our lab.  Emma saw Meiko pawing at the ball and had a melt down.  I encouraged her to throw the ball for Meiko, and that worked for a little while.  I finally decided to get another tennis ball out so they each would have one.  Much to my dismay, that didn't solve the dilemma.  No matter which ball they had, they both wanted the other one.  And, when I would swap the balls, they still wanted the other.

I went rounds with them trying to resolve the issue.  But, no matter what, Emma nor Meiko could be satisfied.  I couldn't help but laugh, though, because Emma would scream and babble at Meiko, telling him what she thought of him.  I would have loved to know what she was saying because she was letting him have it.  And, as soon as I would get the ball away from Meiko and give it back to Emma, he would paw at her hands until she dropped the ball... sending her into another melt down.  Finally, I put both tennis balls away and put Emma down for a much needed nap.

Though she didn't nap long, she was in a good mood when I got her up.  We played and packed to go to Granna and Pop's for the night.  Then I fed her spaghetti for lunch.  She was beginning to get whiny and I was trying to hurry to get our things packed and us ready to get on the road.  I was working on getting Emma dressed when I made the fateful decision.

Emma has had a terrible diaper rash, so I have let her go without a diaper for a few minutes here and there.  I should have known better with the way my morning had been going, but I didn't.

Honestly, she hadn't been without a diaper for 2 minutes.  I walked into the 'red room,' the carpeted  'red room,' to look for something in the closet.  Emma followed.  As I was digging in the closet, I smelled a familiar smell.  I looked down and Emma was standing in a pile of poop. BRIGHT RED POOP (she had eaten spaghetti).  All I could do was scream 'NO!'  Which made Emma cry.  She tried to sit down, but before she could, I yanked her up and rushed into the bathroom.  This caused Emma to get hysterical, which only made matters worse.  I put her in the sink to begin washing her off.  That would be when I saw, out of the corner of my eye, the Tasmanian Devil that Meiko had become.  He was in the 'red room' rolling in the poop!  I screamed at him, but it was too late.  He was already covered.

Because Emma was still screaming and crying uncontrollably and still covered in poop, I just had to let him roll.  Then, I went to put Emma in the tub so I could finish cleaning her up.  I thought that maybe, finally, I had the situation under control... Nope.  I heard a loud splat.  I turned to look and see what it could possibly be and I saw it.  More poop.  This time it was running down the bathroom wall and had hit the floor.  I guess that went I swung Emma around from the sink to the tub it came off of her, or maybe she wasn't finished yet.  Either way, I sat down on the edge of the tub.  Though she was still wet and covered in poop, Emma hugged me, and I hugged her back.  I began to cry with her, then laugh.

And, I laughed until she started to laugh.  And, everything was okay again, even if it was still a little stinky.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Simple Pleasures

Marshmallow Peep Suckers...

Fresh Air... 




Sticky Faces...

Bird Watching...

Wagon Rides...


Simple Pleasures...