Friday, October 30, 2009

Busy, Busy

It's been quite the busy week here in my happily ever after...

Emma is crawling and pulling up everywhere and on everything!  And, she keeps me runing now that she has discovered the dog's bowls and that we have stairs.  Yes, I have a baby gate to keep her off of the stairs, but she is steadily trying to find a way around it... or over it.  She has discovered the dryer and likes to watch the clothes spin in it.  The laundry room is also where the dog bowls are, so she like to play in them while in there.  Luckily, she isn't interested in eating the dog food, but she is intruiged by what happens when she turns over the water bowl. 

A new favorite thing for Emma is to play under my new kitchen table and chairs.  She like to crawl over and under the rungs (or whatever they are called) on the bar stools.  This morning, though, while crawling through her very own maze, she got stuck.  A melt down ensued and I had to try to rescue her.  I wound up having to move the entire table out of the way so that I could lift the chair off of her.  She was screaming like I have never heard her before.  So loud that Chuck got out of bed to come check on her. 

Also this week, we went to get part 2 of her flu shot.  However, once we got there, waited an hour, finally got into a room, then AND ONLY THEN were we informed that they were out of the vaccine.  Talk about annoyed!  So, since we had already made the trip, and Emma had been extremely whiny all week, I had the doctor check her ears.  She has pulled on them constantly since August... She didn't have an infection, but there is still fluid on her right ear drum.  We have a follow up visit with our ENT on Tuesday, so we'll see what her has to say.  There is a chance that we could be doing tubes next week!  I was so gung-ho about it in August and the first part of September, but now, I don't know... I just don't want her tohave to be put to sleep.  She was hurting and miserable a few months ago, but since we were able to clear that up, she has been okay.  I guess I will just have to trust God to give our ENT the wisdom to make the right call for Emma.  So, please say a prayer for us and for our ENT.

To go along with my whiny baby, I also had a sick dog this week.  My little Yorkie, Meiko, was so sick to his stomach.  He vomited for two days.  I don't know if he ate something he shouldn't have or if it was just a case of the nerves.  I am glad, though, that he seems to be feeling better.  I had to bathe him every day, wash his blankets on disinfect his kennel.  It was awful!  Oh, and, one night, he hid under my bed before I could get him kenneled.  I decided to just let him sleep there instead of waking Chuck while trying to get Meiko out from under the bed.  BAD CALL!  I was fumbling around in the dark trying to get in bed and I stepped in a little surprise... Meiko had puked in the floor by my bed and it was still hot.  EEWWW!  Then, as I tried to get out of that mess, I stepped in another pile of puke that was cold... And, yes, I am gagging as I share this with you.  Yes, you're very welcome for the details!

I have also been busy sewing this week!  Well, technically, I have been appliqueing, but close enough.  I have been at it like a mad woman.  I will post pictures soon!  I am supposed to be making bibs for the Vardaman Sweet Potato Festival, which is next weekend, but I just can't focus on them.  I am way too wrapped up in making t-shirts for Emma.  And, I did make her a pair of pants to go with one of her tops.  So, actually, I did sew! 

But, I am so frustrated with this one font I have.  It's called Finlee, I think.  Anyway, it will not stich right.  It screws up not matter what I do.  Ugh!  And, it is an adorable font that I would really like to use.  So, if any of you have any suggestions for me, please send them my way!  I am at my witt's end with it.  It has ruined several things that I have been working on.  I know I should just stop using it, but I am stubborn, and determined that this font WILL submit to me!  Okay, so maybe I need to take a break from it. 

Anyway, I should be getting in bed.  i need to get up early to pack to go see Granna and Pop tomorrow.  I am taking Emma to a Halloween Carnival in their area.  I can't wait to put her costume on her again!  She is so cute in it!  I can't believe that it is my sweet baby's first halloween!  And that she is 10 months old!  Where does the time go? 

Well, I better get back at it so that I am not up all night!  Have a safe and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Pay it Back or Pay it Forward?

That is my dilemma... Do I try (and more than likely come up short) to pay someone back for all they have done?  Or do I pay it forward?

Have someone like this in your life?  Someone that you would love to pay back, but you know there is no earthly way to do so?  If you don't, I hope that someday you will.  Why is that?  Well, because if you have a person, an angel, really, like this in your life, then you will never take a single breath not knowing that you are truly loved.

For me, this person is my Mama.  I can not imagine not having her in my life.  She is definitely my go-to person when it comes anything and everything.  The woman can cook, clean, organize, fix, comfort, solve, figure, create, be Mama, be a friend, be a daughter, be Granna... And do it all at the same time and do it effortlessly!

My Mama came for a helpful visit yesterday and stayed the night.  With her help, I was able to accomplish so much!  She helped me dig out my dining room from under the mounds of sewing stuff.  And then, she helped me set up my sewing area and get it organized!  I am so excited to use it; however, I am a little hesitant to mess it up.  But, bibies are calling my name and the Vardaman Sweet Potato Festival is quickly approaching.

So, anyway, back to my dilemma... Do I try to pay her back, which I could never fully do?  Or do I pay it forward to my daughter?  I can only hope to be as loving, supportive and helpful as my Mama is to me.  I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

Honestly, though, and I do mean honestly, I will spend the rest of my time doing both.  And, it will bring me great pleasure to not only try to pay my Mama back, but to also pay it forward to my daughter, Emma, and any other children I may have.

Hey Mama!  Here's to you!  I can't ever express just how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate every single thing you do... I love you!

P.S. Emma was really sad that you had to go home today and so was I!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Just us...

This weekend, Emma and I made a trip to Calhoun City to visit my family.  We had a wonderful time, as always.  But, something extra special happened on this trip...

My Daddy, Emma, and I went out to eat... Just us...It was something really nice that we don't do often enough.   As I sat across the table from him I began to think of all that he is...

My Daddy has always been my hero and someone that I look up to.  He is everything good and honest.  He is what I sought out when I was looking for a husband (which I found, or to be exact, he found me). 

My Daddy is the man who taught me to drive, who tossed me in the air and caught me as a little girl.  He is the man that I have always tried not to disappoint; he is the man who helped me with my math homework, the one who helped me sort through job options.  He is the man that took me fishing where we ate powdered doughnuts and drank orange juice for breakfast and ate Beanie Weanies for lunch. 

He is the man who taught me how to drive a motorcycle and didn't get angry with me when I wrecked it.   He is the man who didn't (doesn't) like cats, but always let me have at least one.  He is the man who let me 'fix' his hair by putting a hundred barrettes in it.  And, he is also the man who always told me that I looked pretty even though my outfits didn't match or make sense.  He is the man that sat through every dance recital, pageant, musical, and ball game that I cheered at, no matter how terrible the weather.  

He is the man that taught me hard lessons and made me cry, but secretly I was, and still am, glad he taught me. He is the man that has given up so much so that I could 'have it all.'  He is the man that let me 'help' him build his airplane by playing "The Birthday Song (Never Be One Again)" by Alabama over and over and over again on my Cabbage Patch Tape Player.  

He is the sound of an airplane early on a summer morning.  He is the smell of defoliant on a foggy autumn night.  He is the voice of reason in the midst of confusion.  He is the tickle of a mustache when he kisses my cheek.  He is a radiant glow when he sees me or Emma.  He is Pop.  

He is the person who knows how to fix anything and everything.  He is an e-bayer and a you-tuber.  He is the pusher of the swing.  He is the man that is up early every morning and goes to bed early at night.  He is the reason (well, actually, only a small part of the reason) I don't eat ketchup.  

He is an old, white, country church on the third Sunday of every May that reminds me of where I came from.  He is the teller of "Blue Beard" stories; and he is the man that jumped through an open window with a Halloween mask on and scared me to death!  

He is the man that taught me how to ride a horse and he is also the one who rescued my when my horse ran away with me.  He is the man I talked to on the phone for hours when he fell and got hurt.  He is a yellow air- tractor in the sky.  He is a human GPS. 

He is laughter over a dirty diaper incident and the planter of trees and gardens.  He is the man with a twinkle in his eye and skin like leather from working hard so many days in the sun.  He is the man who sang to me "Raindrops keep falling on my head... That doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red..."  while we sat on the picnic table in our yard one summer day.  He is the man that taught me to love music from eras that were before my time.  

He is everything simple and unique.  He is everything crafty, yet perfected.  He is a million more memories that I never want to forget...

He is my Daddy... 

Friday, October 9, 2009

When I grow up...

When I was younger, around 12-13, I couldn't wait to grow up.  I just knew that life would be grand, and  I would have it ALL figured out... Wouldn't it be great if that really were the case... Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone had themselves, their lives, it ALL figured out?

I don't know if it would be better, worse, or about the same (as my eye doctor says), but what I do know is that 'having it all figured out' isn't case.  Not for me, at least.  Do you have it ALL figured out?  If so, please contact me and tell me how to receive the enlightening you have received!

Anyway, growing up, I had so many insecurities.  Insecurities that I just knew would be gone once I got out of high school and went to college.  But that wasn't quite the case.  Yes, most of those insecurities went away, but they were replaced with new insecurities.  Ones that seemed to be slightly darker and more evil.  Insecurities that I tried every way a smart college girl could think of to overcome.  And, as life would have it, I did overcome some of them.  Granted, I think that I shopped a lot of them away, drank a few more away, but exercised most of them away.  And, when the others crept to the surface and those 3 activities didn't help, well, I call my friends, put on a new attitude (and a new outfit), and went out to pretend that they didn't exist until I either truly believed that or I crashed.  And, let me tell you, crashing didn't always come first!

So, as I continued on through college and my 'friends' began to get married, I came to the conclusion that my insecurities would be gone once I got married.  Notice that friends is in quotes?  Well, that's because those 'friends' were some of the main ones feeding those insecurities.  Those 'friends' who kept feeding me full of the crap that their life was perfect (their words word not mine), and that I would understand someday... when I got married.  Oh, by the way, some of those 'friends' have anything BUT a perfect life now.  And, I am pretty sure that it wasn't perfect then either.  However, I couldn't be convinced of that at that time.

So, I trudged along, waiting to grow up and out-grow my insecurities, which I was sure would happen once I got married... Yeah, right.

Present day...

I am currently married and a stay-at-home mom of the most wonderfully perfect 9 month old baby girl.  Oh, and yes, I still have insecurities... Lots, and LOTS of them.  (Obviously, how amazing and perfect my child is, is not one of them!)

I thought that they were supposed to be gone by now and that I would have it all figured out and life would be perfect!  Call me a dreamer, because that is what I am.  (I prefer the term dreamer over the phrase dumb ass, I mean, stupid idiot.)  And though it could be listed under both the 'strengths' and 'weaknesses' categories of my personality profile, it is ultimately a characteristic that I would keep.  You see, even though it allows me to keep hoping for a perfect life, one where insecurities are not; it is one that does allow me to keep hoping.  So I guess that it isn't so bad, at least not when your hopes are well placed.  Which, I sometimes have trouble with that... like, when I was younger and I had the highest of hopes that I would get to go to a New Kids on the Block concert, get to go back stage and Joey, or was it Jordan, or maybe Jonathan... I can't remember... would fall madly in love with me.  Or, that the sausage balls I cooked burned would blend in with the ones that weren't.  You get my drift...

I guess what I am getting at is that now, I totally get that my hope for no insecurities is a stretch.  But is it a stretch to think hope that your insecurities won't be directly caused by the people you love the most.  And, if the people you love the most do cause those insecurities, can you ever get past them?

This is something that I am struggling with lately.  I have an insecurity that was cause by the people I love the most.  It is one that effects my life almost daily and I'm not really sure how to deal with it.  How is it that the people you love the most can be the very people that build you up the highest, but also the very people that bring you to your lowest?

I worry about how this insecurity effects my ability to be a good mother.  Although Emma can't truly understand the insecurity now; one day she will.  And, if I continue to live with it, how will I be able to teach her not to let people cause this same insecurity in her life.  But, if I deal with it in the only way I really can figure out, then how will I teach her to stick through the hard things in life and not take the 'easy' way out by running away.

If the people I love the most are the root of the insecurities, is it possible for them to love me as much as I love them?  Because, if they love me as much as I love them, then they wouldn't do what they have done, would they? ... I mean, I haven't... because I love them.  So, is it wrong, per say, to cut them out of your life?  And, how do you really know if/when it is time to cut your loses and move forward?

Part of the time my heart says I love them and can't imagine the rest of my life or my child's life without them there.  But there is also a part of my heart that is tired of living with the questions, the doubts, the feelings of inadequacy, the isolation I have taken on to protect myself and others, the shame, the humiliation, the feelings of it being my fault.

How can I possibly teach my child to be a strong woman when I don't feel like I am one myself.  I need to model the behavior, and I don't feel like I am doing a very good job. So what to do?

For me, at least, that is the burning question.  It is the one that haunts my dreams, intrudes on my quiet times, and interrupts my time with my precious child.  And, the longer I live with it, the more not okay I become.  And, though it has been only 28 short (usually) years, I have come to realize that being not okay in one area of life tends to overflow into other areas of your life.  Which, has ill-effects on those areas.  And, these are areas that I really have a problem with being negatively affected.  So, I ask again, what to do?

And, you know what the worst part of it is?  The worst part is that I have an infinite number of reason to not be insecure.  For the most part, I do have the world on a silver platter.  Or, at the very least, enough of the world to make many people scoff at my insecurities and tell me to get over it.  But, these few things have happened, they have shattered my shell and seeped into my skin, and slowly found their way to my heart where they are being pumped out with my blood through every inch of my being... Therefore, taking over.  And with every beat of my heart, they grow.  So much so, that they sometimes choke away the words I want to say, numb the touches I want to feel, and even deafen my ears to the words I want to hear.

Why is it that the 12 insecurities that you face get to to take over, yet the infinite number of reasons you have not to be insecure get lost?  Why is negativity so powerful?  Or is it only as powerful as we let it be?  And if it is a matter of what we allow, how do we change?  How do we overpower the negativity that comes from these insecurities?  And, if it is something that we learn how to deal with through age and experience, why does it seem that the older I get, the worse the I seem to deal with insecurities?

Know what else?  You know how the Golden Rule says, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"?  I really think that is a bunch of crap.  I have treated the people that have hurt me most the way I want to be treated.  I have loved, given, given up, considered them and their thoughts and feelings, and it hasn't gotten me very far.  Well, actually, let me re-phrase... it hasn't gotten me very far from heartache.  And that has always been a goal in my life... move away from the heartache.  You know the lady you hear just before you go on certain rides at amusement parks... "Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times..."  Well, apparently there is one for life.  She says, "Please keep your heart inside your chest cavity at all times.  Hanging it out on your sleeve can result in injury and even death."

However, I am the kid who doesn't listen and thinks I am invincible.  I am the woman who thinks that I should sacrifice myself for the cause.  But, I have to wonder if I am not sacrificing the cause for myself sometimes.  My heart has been hanging out on my sleeve for so long now that it is tattered almost beyond the point of recognition.  What is left are pieces that I must somehow pick up and mend... stitch, nail, mold, bind, glue, weld... maybe even force... back into something recognizable,  something that looks like the shape I used to cut out of construction paper.  Because there is someone so sweet and innocent, that I can hear alternately laughing and crying as she dreams, that deserves for me to do just what Mommy's do, which is make it all better.

And, however realistically or not, I still am hoping for a life without insecurities... when I grow up.