Struggling

After three years of hoping, praying, and wishing, we have finally sold our house!  There have been so many days that I never thought this would happen.  I have cried countless tears and begged and pleaded with God for this.  Philadelphia has never felt like home to me and I have honestly been biding my time until we could move back to Starkville.  I haven't made any friends here, and the acquaintances I have, are strictly that.

My family is an hour and a half away, a long, hard hour and a half drive.  Now that I am not working, it is easier; but when I was working, it was hard... especially with a new baby.  And, this isn't a town that people come to just to get away, or shop, or anything else for that matter...

It has been a very lonely three years.  Years, that were hard on their own, but toss into the mix that I live with depression, and you have a recipe for disaster.  For the most part, I think I have dealt with it all pretty well, but there were many, many hard times that I just didn't know if I could get out of that dark place.

So, now that our house has sold, we are faced with finding a new home.  A challenge that I looked forward to until today.  What changed?  Nothing really, except for the fact that I opened my eyes to reality.

We have been house hunting in Starkville and have found some we really like.  We have both been so excited about moving out of Philadelphia that nothing else has really seemed to matter.  But, now that the excitement has subsided and we are thinking more clearly, it seems that things aren't so simple.  Chuck's job is in Meridian... which is an hour and a half drive from Starkville.  And though they want to expand to the Starkville area, it isn't something they can do right now.  And, they can't really give us a time frame on when that might happen.

We have discussed him staying at our camphouse during the week and being in Starkville on the weekends.  Plus, Emma and I would go down and stay with Chuck during the week too.  But, the reality of that is, that idea is not the best.  The camphouse isn't built yet, so that's a problem.  Even if it were already built, we aren't sure what utility cost will be per month, so we can't budget for that.  So, now, this great idea seems much less great.

He doesn't want to be away from Emma or me all week, and I don't want that either.  But neither of us are really excited about living in Meridian.  And, I am less excited than Chuck.  Which, a lot of my hesitation is that Meridian puts me two and a half hours from my family.  I miss them so much already.  And, I don't have any friends in Meridian.  From what I know about Meridian, it is very hard to get into any of the 'groups' that exist.  And, outsiders aren't easily let in.  I don't do well in situations like that.  I am very guarded and come across as cold (so I have been told).  I don't mean too, and even when I try to be more open and friendly, I still come across as cold.  Which is part of the reason I don't have any friends here.  I have tried, I really have.

And, I know that over the last three years I have become more introverted, and I keep to myself.  It isn't unusual for me to go days without talking to an adult other than Chuck or my mom.  I just don't know what possibly another three years of that will do to me.

But, I also don't know what it will do to me and Chuck to be apart that much.  Marriage is hard enough as it is.  But, throw in there distance and separation and it makes it even harder.  I mean, we would be leading separate lives.  I couldn't live with myself if we didn't make it.  I would feel so guilty for tearing apart our family, for separating Emma from Chuck.

I know how I felt when I had to leave Emma and return to work.  I was devastated.  And, I still saw her every day.  I felt like I missed out on the first 5 months of her life.  I just don't think it would be fair to Chuck if she and I were in Starkville and he in Meridian.  He would miss so much.  And, there's no way to ever get that back.

I just don't know what to do.  Either way, I am going to separated from people I love most.  People that I need in my life; people that support me most.  And, either way, Emma is going to be more distant to those people too.  And, I hate that.  I mean, I grew up within walking distance from most of my family.  We are the family that knows every aunt, uncle or cousin that we have ever had.  We are close.  I am so scared of being so far away from that.

I have been praying that God will give us the answers that we need so that we feel good about our decision.  But, I feel more lost and confused now than ever.  I feel so alone.  Emma is with Chuck's parents today, and he's 45 minutes away at work.  I know that all I have to do is call Chuck or my parents or my friends, but it isn't the same as them being here.  It isn't the same as having them just sit with me as I cry and struggle with this.

I am struggling so much today.