I thought I might be a little better today. I thought I would be better able to deal with things today. I thought wrong.
When I awoke this morning, the darkness was still there, even darker than before. Hopelessness filled me and I didn't even want to get out of bed. I finally did and went through the motions of the morning. I held it together until Chuck left, but then I did nothing but cry. Emma didn't understand; how could she?
Try as she might, she couldn't get the usual laughing response from me that she is accustomed to when she is being silly. And though she would come up and hug me or sit in my lap, I still felt like she was a million miles away.
When it was time for her nap, I laid on the couch too. There is only a mountain of laundry in the laundry room, stacks of dishes in the sink, beds to be made, floors to be cleaned, and sewing to be done to get ready for Canton, but I did nothing. Well, nothing except cry.
I didn't want to. I wanted to be strong, take all of this in stride. I couldn't, though. It took most of the morning, but I finally got a shower and got dressed. Chuck had mention me coming to Meridian to look at houses there. I texted him about it and he told me to come. So, I did. I cried the whole drive over and some more when he got in the car. We looked, and became more confused...
Do we buy something to live in, something we love or do we just rent? There is no clear answer. Chuck is leaning toward buying a small house that we could rent out later. It isn't that I am opposed to that, I just don't know what to think. I am terrified of buying a house we love and then hating the town. That is pretty much what we got ourselves into in Philly and have had to stay here until we were able to sell our house.
I am also afraid of buying a small rent-able (possibly) house because what if we get stuck with it? Although the house that we are considering is smaller and much less expensive than what we would buy for a permanent home, we couldn't handle it and another mortgage if we were given the opportunity to move.
And, the rentals we have checked into are very high... The monthly rent is more than our current house payment. So, that seems like money down the drain. Not to mention that we have a Yorkie and a Lab...
Like I have said, there is no clear answer.
Chuck is frustrated that he doesn't have the answer, and he is internalizing his frustration. He keeps saying that we are running out of time, and we are. We close on our house in just over a month.
I am trying to be supportive of what is best for the three of us as a whole, but he knows how I feel. He has seen me cry over this. Neither of us are excited about moving to Meridian.
And, even though we keep verbalizing the positives (saving money, etc.) of the situation, it is pretty obvious that neither of us are really buying it.
I keep praying for peace and clarity, but I haven't really found either. I know that God has a plan for us, and I trust that His plan is perfect. But what if we choose Starkville, and God's plan was for us to go to Meridian, or the other way around... What if we aren't able to be still and listen to what God wants us to do? What if we mess things up? What if... What if... What if??? I know that we can't live our lives wondering 'what if?' But, we do have to consider these questions before making a decision. And time is running out.
Chuck is gone for a little while tonight. He is in Starkville getting ready for a cooking competition that he is in this weekend. It is hard on me when he is gone doing these things. I am left here in Philadelphia taking care of Emma, the dogs and the house while he is doing his thing. Emma and I go to the actual competitions, but it isn't the same when you have to drive an hour each way. I considered staying in Starkville with friends, but then who will take care of the dogs? Yes, we have taken them to our friends before and could take them this weekend, but I feel bad doing that. I mean, it's bad enough to come in with all my stuff and Emma's stuff, but throw in two dogs... I just feel guilty.
While my sewing machine is sputtering along in the background (I hope it will hold out until Canton!), I have been searching the internet for something. Anything that might give me comfort. I was actually looking for the verse Jeremiah 29:11, but stumbled upon Romans 15:13. I feel like it is something to cling to right now.
Hopefully, this will help me keep the darkness from closing in completely. A dear friend told me today that "the light is ALWAYS shining at the end of the tunnel, we just have to know where to look because the tunnel's not always straight." That was definitely something I needed today. And, I will continue to repeat this to myself until I find the light again.
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