Tuesday, January 19, 2010


I got slapped in the face with it today.  I hate days like this.  Hate being brought to my knees by true reality.

I am at the hospital today.  I brought my Grandmother to see her sister, my Great Aunt.  She has been in the hospital for almost a month now.  I am sad to say that she isn't improving as much as we would like her to.  Her mind doesn't seem quite right.

She has told my Grandmother and me all sorts of things that just aren't right... She has slapped a doctor, she has been beaten, she has seen people that she couldn't have possibly have seen, and more.  It is such a sad realization that age has waged a war on her body and mind, and it is winning.

She has some moments of clarity, like just now.  She asked my Grandmother, "It doesn't seem like I'm getting any better does it?"  My Grandmother didn't answer, just changed the subject.

I hate seeing my Great Aunt like this.  I hate seeing anyone in this state.  It just seems so unfair.  But, also, I hate to see my Grandmother watch her sister going through this.  I think of how I might feel one day when my sister and I get older.  It kills my soul to see reality hit my Grandmother.  She had been hopeful that her sister would get well and be able to return home.  But spending the day with her, we both know that that won't happen.

My Grandmother has been strong.  She teared up a little when they took her sister from the room to go to rehab.  I pretended not to see it because I knew she didn't want me to.  My heart sank, though, and I fought back tears of my own.  I saw in her eyes the acceptance of the reality that she seemed to be facing.  She knows that she can't take care of herself and her sister, though that was what she had in mind.  She knows that her sister will never be able to live alone again.  She knows that, sadly, this may very well be the beginning of the end.

My Great Aunt has told us that she just wants to close her eyes to sleep and never wake up.  She has said "it doesn't matter" about so many little things.  She seems to be giving up and giving in to age.  It is heart breaking.

I think that this has brought to the surface realization of other things for my Grandmother too.  She began to talk about needing to get her things in order and hoping that when it came her time that she would go quickly.

This has also stirred up some very raw emotions in myself.  I know that my Grandmother is old.  I have known this.  What I haven't always known is that my Grandmother won't be here forever.  And, once I was old enough to know this, I still pretended to not.  I haven't been willing to accept that my Grandmother could be gone from my life.

This woman that has been such a huge part of my life, such a huge part of my heart, could be gone one day.  And, I know that it could happen to anyone of us at any time.  But, given the situation, it is my Grandmother who is on my mind.  It is a hard thought to swallow.  It is something that I have kept in the deep dark corners of my mind, never to let creep out.

I find myself asking, "Does she know how much I love her?  Does she know how much she means to me?  Does she know how much it means to me that she is a part of my daughter's life?  Does she know how much it means to me to have the things she has made?"  And these are just the ones I can type without completely breaking down and crying in front of her and my Great Aunt.

I hate days like this... Hate being brought to my knees by true reality...