Monday, September 28, 2009


What does this word mean to you?

To me, it means heart-racing, shallow-breathing, sleep-avoiding, health-ignoring, junk food-eating, cry-inducing, excercise exercise-forgetting, relationship-neglecting, mind-racing, non-focusing, chest-tightening, thoughts-spinning, skin-crawling, wild-eyed-looking, continuous fidgeting, non-producing hour upon hours of life.

What brings this on?  Usually, I can pin-point it, and deal with it, but tonight, I can't... which makes times like this even worse.  I am completely exhausted, and yet, I can't sleep.  I have orders for bibies to fill, yet can't focus enough to sew.  I need to work on my website, which was supposed to have been finished weeks ago, but can't commit myself to working on it.

I know that an episode like this has been lurking because I have been extremely disorganized and non-productive, but it has taken on a full attack of me tonight.  As for this post, well, let's just say that I am hours into it, have written, and re-written it a couple dozen times, and am still nowhere near putting it out there.

I have examined my life and all seems well... Emma is good.  She had her 9 month check-up today and got a great report.  My marriage is great; Chuck and I just got back from a wonderful weekend alone.  My family is well; I have checked in with them today.  My dogs are good, healthy and happy as ever; yet, I can't shake this feeling that something isn't right.

I can't figure out what has brought on this anxiety!  Chuck is at a friend's watching Monday Night Football, and I usually enjoy this alone time.  I can do things (like sewing, blogging, reading, SLEEPING) without feeling like I am neglecting him.  Not tonight, though.  But I don't want to call him to come home, becuase because that wouldn't help.  In moments like this I need distance from others.  I start feeling clausr claustra claustrophobic if anyone is even in the same room as me!

I haven't had an episode like this in years!  I can barely begin a thought before it is gone and a new one starts to form, only to be wisked whisked away by the next, and the next and the next.  Am I crazy?  I have to ask myself, but before I can come up with an answer I have already moved on from the question.

I keep typing in hopes of calming myself and easing myself out of this tail-spin.  I guess that it is worth a slot shot... it isn't something I have treid tried before, but at this point, I am not opposed to.  I almost feel as if I am bubbling over with thoughts, ideas, emotions, and words that need an escape.  However, I am not an efficient enough typre typer to keep up!  So, I struggle with words, with spelling, with the frustration of losing my train of thought befoer befoer  BEFORE I can get it out.  UGH!

i I have wiggled and shifted myself around so much on the couch thaa that ALL of the pillows and cushions are almost on the floor.  I know I need to sleep, but I can't.  Why?  i I don't know why.  If I did, I would have fixed it already and gone to bed.  So, becaus eof because of that, I continue to typre, uh, I mean type.  My ramblings are just that, ramblings.  I can't even begin to string together any type of link between thoughts.

If you're still reading at this point, you are either a.) really bored or b.) trying to decide how to have me committed.  Which, on nights like thiw this, I might volunteer... at least they would sedate me! That would be a welcome relief!

Okay, I quit.  I am really starting to seem crazy, which I am not... usually... just tonight.  Which is probably induced by exhaustion and pain... did I mention that I severed my thumb from it's nail with the lid of a can of asparagus???? Yep, I did.  It rolled open and probably needed stitches, except that I don't think anyone would have actually stitched it becasue because it is basically under my nail... or where my nail should be.  So, I have endure the throbbing for a full 24 hours now... a 24 hours that I have spent on the verge of barfing because my thumb hurts so bad!

But, I can at least say that my sweet husband took over night time duties for Emma tonight becasue becasue because I couldn't bear to try to undress, bathe, and pajama her with this thumb.  Do you know how often you use uo your thumb?  Wow!

Seriously, the rambling will cease now.

1 comment:

  1. Anxiety blows.

    I'm so sorry you have to struggle with this. I've struggled with it for years and it does get easier.

    Thinking of you.