Anxiety

What does this word mean to you?

To me, it means heart-racing, shallow-breathing, sleep-avoiding, health-ignoring, junk food-eating, cry-inducing, excercise exercise-forgetting, relationship-neglecting, mind-racing, non-focusing, chest-tightening, thoughts-spinning, skin-crawling, wild-eyed-looking, continuous fidgeting, non-producing hour upon hours of life.

What brings this on?  Usually, I can pin-point it, and deal with it, but tonight, I can't... which makes times like this even worse.  I am completely exhausted, and yet, I can't sleep.  I have orders for bibies to fill, yet can't focus enough to sew.  I need to work on my website, which was supposed to have been finished weeks ago, but can't commit myself to working on it.

I know that an episode like this has been lurking because I have been extremely disorganized and non-productive, but it has taken on a full attack of me tonight.  As for this post, well, let's just say that I am hours into it, have written, and re-written it a couple dozen times, and am still nowhere near putting it out there.

I have examined my life and all seems well... Emma is good.  She had her 9 month check-up today and got a great report.  My marriage is great; Chuck and I just got back from a wonderful weekend alone.  My family is well; I have checked in with them today.  My dogs are good, healthy and happy as ever; yet, I can't shake this feeling that something isn't right.

I can't figure out what has brought on this anxiety!  Chuck is at a friend's watching Monday Night Football, and I usually enjoy this alone time.  I can do things (like sewing, blogging, reading, SLEEPING) without feeling like I am neglecting him.  Not tonight, though.  But I don't want to call him to come home, becuase because that wouldn't help.  In moments like this I need distance from others.  I start feeling clausr claustra claustrophobic if anyone is even in the same room as me!

I haven't had an episode like this in years!  I can barely begin a thought before it is gone and a new one starts to form, only to be wisked whisked away by the next, and the next and the next.  Am I crazy?  I have to ask myself, but before I can come up with an answer I have already moved on from the question.

I keep typing in hopes of calming myself and easing myself out of this tail-spin.  I guess that it is worth a slot shot... it isn't something I have treid tried before, but at this point, I am not opposed to.  I almost feel as if I am bubbling over with thoughts, ideas, emotions, and words that need an escape.  However, I am not an efficient enough typre typer to keep up!  So, I struggle with words, with spelling, with the frustration of losing my train of thought befoer befoer  BEFORE I can get it out.  UGH!

i I have wiggled and shifted myself around so much on the couch thaa that ALL of the pillows and cushions are almost on the floor.  I know I need to sleep, but I can't.  Why?  i I don't know why.  If I did, I would have fixed it already and gone to bed.  So, becaus eof because of that, I continue to typre, uh, I mean type.  My ramblings are just that, ramblings.  I can't even begin to string together any type of link between thoughts.

If you're still reading at this point, you are either a.) really bored or b.) trying to decide how to have me committed.  Which, on nights like thiw this, I might volunteer... at least they would sedate me! That would be a welcome relief!

Okay, I quit.  I am really starting to seem crazy, which I am not... usually... just tonight.  Which is probably induced by exhaustion and pain... did I mention that I severed my thumb from it's nail with the lid of a can of asparagus???? Yep, I did.  It rolled open and probably needed stitches, except that I don't think anyone would have actually stitched it becasue because it is basically under my nail... or where my nail should be.  So, I have endure the throbbing for a full 24 hours now... a 24 hours that I have spent on the verge of barfing because my thumb hurts so bad!

But, I can at least say that my sweet husband took over night time duties for Emma tonight becasue becasue because I couldn't bear to try to undress, bathe, and pajama her with this thumb.  Do you know how often you use uo your thumb?  Wow!

Seriously, the rambling will cease now.

Do You Speak Touch?

Did you know that there are over 6,500 languages spoken in the world today? 

And, did you also know that you could be fluent in every one of those languages and still not be able to convey love to your partner?

How is that possible?  It is possible because love has a language all its own.  Or, to be exact, love has 5 different languages.  Don't believe me?  Well, keep reading!

These five different love languages are not something that I have come up with, but merely something that I have come across while attending Sunday School.  The class that Chuck and I are in is studying the five different languages of love.  This is a study created by Gary Chapman, and I must say that he is on target.

So, what are the five different love languages?  Well, I'm glad you asked.  They are
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Acts of Service
4. Gifts
5. Physical Touch

So how do you discover the love language you speak?  Go to http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/ and take a few seconds to discover your particular love language.

I, myself, haven't figured out what exactly my love language is, but have an in depth questionaire to help me figure it out.  I first thought it was acts of service, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I become.  Chuck, however, thinks mine is gifts or words of affirmation. 

I was totally against the idea of gifts being my love language because my first thought was of gifts being expensive things.  However, it doesn't necessarily mean that.  So, maybe Chuck is right.  I'll let you know when I finish the questionaire! 

We both decided that his is physical touch with words of affirmation coming in a close second. I've known this, and we have talked about it many times, but it has never hit home like it did when we began this lesson. 

I have often wondered how in the world do I glorify God in all that I do... like doing laundry, cleaning the house, etc.  And, other than being honest, faithful, and true 'til "death do we part," how do I glorify God in my marriage?  Hello!  I am not just supposed to show 'love' my husband however I want, I am supposed to show 'love' to my husband in the way that he wants.  And he is to do the same for me.  Because, if he feels love through physical touch and words of affirmation and I don't do that, he doesn't feel my love for him.  I may gift him thousands of gifts of do all sorts of acts of service for him and he still won't feel loved!

It is such a simple concept, but many times it gets lost and overlooked.  This leads to discontent and unhappiness in relationships.  How many times have you complained to your spouse about what they haven't been doing and how unloved you feel only to have them say, "Well, what about me doing..." and they list off a dozen things.  You can't really argue that they haven't done anything, can you?  But, you feel like the just don't get you.  For a lot of people, it leads to thoughts of "Did I make a mistake?" "Have we become two different people going in two different directions?"  "Do I not love him/her anymore?"  "Does he/she not love me anymore?"  How miserable is that!

And, the crazy thing is, is that both parties feel like they are right and the other is wrong which leads to more tension and discontent.  It is a vicious cycle that eats up many relationships and leads to their fall. 

Chuck and I have a wonderful marriage.  However, there have been some less than wonderful moments that could have been less heartbreaking, painful, etc. if only we knew how to understand the other's love language. 

Like I said before, it is such a simple concept.  But, do not confuse simple for easy.  For the person who isn't a physical touch kind of person, it is hard to show love by physically touching them.  It is awkward and uncomfortable.  Or, just think of the person whose love loanguage is gifts.  If they are in a relationship with someone whose love language isn't gifts, then the person on the receiving end may get mixed messages.  What if they have a fight and the person who loves through gifts brings one to his partner that doesn't love that way.  The partner may feel like he/she is being 'bought.'  The gift may be offensive to that person if the love language isn't understood.

See what I mean?  When you learn about love languages, you realize that, yes, it is a simple concept, but a very hard thing to put in motion. 

So, what if you don't know your partner's love language?  Try to get them to check out the website http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/ and find out.  If they won't do that, then pay attention to things they do for you.  Is he or she always bringing you gifts?  Saying words of affirmation?  Touching you?  Most of the time, we love others in the way that we want to be loved.  So,with that said, try loving your partner the way that he/she is loving you.  If that doesn't work, try another of the love languages.  The point, though, is to keep trying, to figure out how to show the one you love just how much you love them.  And, the best way to do that is to speak their language. 

Think of it like this... How would you explain cancer to a 5 year old?  A 10 year old?  A 20 year old?  You use different words, different ideas to explain this to a person depending on what they can comprehend.  Love languages are the same way.  To truly get someone to understand, you have to find their language.

So, my challenge to you, is to find out your love language and explain it to your partner.  Then find out what their love language is and do everything that you can to love them in their language.  It won't always be easy, comfortable, fun, or what you want to do, but that's what we do when we love someone...

Bibies

Just a quick little note to let you know that the website for Bibies is coming along great!  Hopefully by the end of the week I will be able to unveil it!  I am so excited about getting this going!  Be sure to keep checking back here for more details and the web address!

 Here's a little sneak peak of what is to come!

Speak the Truth in Love

Speak the truth in love. Ephesians 4:15

How often do you speak the truth in love?  Me, well, let's just say that I don't do it often enough.  I find that when I speak the truth, I forget to do it in a loving way.  Or, when I am loving, I tend to not be completely truthful because I don't want to hurt the person.

This is such a hard thing to do, because even when speaking the truth with love, people get their feelings hurt.  It is hard to swallow the truth sometimes.  I will be the first to admit that I don't always like to hear the truth about myself.  However, as hard as it is to hear, hind site has always proven (to me, at least) that my relationships would have endured less hurt, frustration and disappointment if the truth had just been spoken to begin with.

However, I firmly believe, that in speaking the truth with love, you must speak the truth to that specific person.  Because, what good does it do to take up an issue that has to do with one person with others?   I do think that it is okay to talk to a trusted individual about the situation so that they can help you find a way to go about this.  But, I think that this has to be approached carefully and in the true spirit of wanting help.  Otherwise, it turns into gossip and backstabbing.

When Chuck and I have a disagreement, even though I want to complain about him to friends, the best thing to do is just be honest with him. I find, though, that even when I feel like I am being truthful in a loving way, he may not always feel like I am being loving.  And, when it comes to friendships, how do you know if your friendship can endure you being truthful?  Everyone likes to say that their friends can always be honest with them, but can they?  Can a person really hear the truth from a friend, spouse, parent, etc. and know that it is coming out of love?

Which is another complicating factor...the interpretation of the other person.  How do you get them to see that you are trying to be loving when the truth hurts them?

Like I (and many, many others before me) have said before, God never promised us that life would be easy, but He did promise to always be with us.  So, I feel like this is another step of faith that I am called to take.  I need to work on speaking the truth in love.  I have to admit that the thought of it makes me anxious, but it is what I am called to do.

So, from now on, I will work on speaking the truth in love in hopes that it will make all of my relationships better and stronger.

If You Can't Say Anything Nice

... Don't say anything at all.

How many times have I heard this saying?  And, how many times have I said this myself? 

So, for once in my life, I have been taking my own advice. 

The past few days or so have been so discouraging and frustating.  Why?  Well, for a whole host of reasons.  Several, I won't go into, but part of it was exhaustion.

With Emma being sick, I have been stressed and worried about her, which has led to me not resting well.  And, now it seems I have let myself get worn down and overcome with allergies!  I usually stay on top of preventative care, but I missed the boat this time.  Ugh!

So, with all of that I have been in a less than cheerful spirit.  And it seems that everything looks bleak when you feel bad.  Am I the only one that feels this way?

Along with all this, I have also been trying very, very hard to focus on being a better Christian.  Why does it seem that the harder I try, the harder it becomes?  I am convinced that it is the devil at work trying to keep me from strengthening my faith.  I know that the Lord never promised that it would be an easy walk, but he did promise to always be with me.  It just seems that the devil keeps trying to use my own human nature against me.  Know what I mean?

I have been trying to set aside a time for my devotional.  And, I do really well for a while, then 'life' takes over.  Which, that doesn't make sense when you think about it... What is life without a Savior?  And, to really have life with a Savior, you must spend time with Him.

I recently read the book The Shack.  It is a fantastic book that really opened my eyes to the way I have always thought about God.  And, since then, I have really been trying to figure things out... Not like figure God out, because I know that isn't possible.  But just figure out what I believe, understand it, and be able to share it.

So, as I prepare for 'the road less traveled,' there may be more frequent periods of quite.  I just want to take time to be still and quite so that I can truly listen.


 

BUGGED by BUGS!!!

So, after a month of ear aches, we had our appointment with Dr. B, our Ears, Nose, and Throat specialist, today.

It was quite relieving even though it didn't go the way I had hoped.  Relieving, how?  Funny you should ask...

I have talked to so many people about ear infections, the causes, the treatments, the home remedies; you name it, I have researched it.

Last night, my dear sweet husband told me that his dad (Papa) had spoken with a Neonatologist friend about Emma's persistent ear aches.  This doctor asked Papa if we had a pet in the house, which we do.  He proceeded to say that a lot of children with pets in the house struggle with ear infections.

I questioned Chuck about the why and how of this, which he didn't know... He didn't get that information.  Then I turned to my next source, my sister-in-law.  I sent her a quick text and awaited her reply.  And, while I was waiting, I decided to see what I could find on the internet.

BIG MISTAKE!


Actually, it wasn't a BIG MISTAKE, it was a 


HUGE MISTAKE!!!!!


Have you ever plugged in "ear infections caused by pets" into google????  What was I thinking?  The first thing I found, didn't even mention pets.  However, as I continued to search, the information I found talked about ear mites.  

Yes, EAR MITES... Have you ever seen these...



These disgusting little creatures!?!?!  Did you know that it IS possible to get ear mites from your pets?

Granted, the likelihood of this happening is virtually never, but still, it IS possible!  I panicked.  Like, sick to my stomach, lost my child in a huge crowd, kind of panicked!  How was I going to tell Chuck?  How did I let this happen?  How have I not known this?  Why haven't the doctors that we have seen already considered this.

My husband doesn't love-LOVE Meiko (our dog) like I do.  If Emma has ear mites because of him, he would have to go.  There is no way I could argue with that either.

So, what did I do?  What any 'rational' person would do... I began cleaning the house, bathing the dog, trying to 'get rid' of the possibility of ear mites... Even though I knew the chances of Emma having ear mites was virtually none.

I know that Chuck had to think I was crazy.  I had been saying how tired I was, and then all of a sudden, I have all this energy to clean.  And, seriously, if she had had ear mites, what good was cleaning up the kitchen going to do?

When I finally gave up and went to bed, I tossed and turned as I dreamed of little disgusting critters crawling out of Emma's ear.  I kept trying to come up with what I was going to say when the doctor told us that she had mites because of our dog.  I had nothing, because somehow I just don't think "Sorry" would cut it.  "Oops," either.

So, as we got ready to leave for our appointment, Chuck still hadn't made it back from work.  I was kind of glad because, if he didn't go, then he wouldn't hear the doctor say those dreaded words..."Ear Mites."  But, he wound up going and I honestly thought I would throw up.

We made it to our appointment and the doctor came in.  Talk about sweating it.  The doctor looked at her ears, made a few comments and then said we'll talk more after Emma's hearing test.

I couldn't decided if I should relax or run.  Surely, he would have said if there WERE bugs in her ears, but what if he was waiting.  Waiting on what, I don't know.  But, maybe he was just waiting to drop the bomb.

I took Emma across the hall and we went through the hearing test.  She finished that and the lady told me that her hearing is in the range it should be for babies her age.  She started to say more, but says she'll wait and let the doctor tell us.

At that point, I knew it; I knew she had ear mites and they were trying to figure out whether it was my fault or not.  We went back into our room, where Chuck was waiting, and there we sat for what seemed like hours.  I'm sure that it wasn't quite that long, but when you are about to get news like this... It is ETERNITY!

Finally, Dr. B comes back in, he had to go to the hospital - which almost causes me to faint; he must have gone to set up surgery to get rid of the bugs, right?

He tells us that there is fluid on Emma's ears, but that it hasn't caused any damage to her hearing.  And, the infection is gone!

What?  No bugs?  No ear mites?  I don't have to try to find words to explain?  My mind was racing 100 miles an hour now.  I could hardly process the information he was giving us - Emma doesn't need tubes at this point and she sure doesn't need surgery to remove ear mites!  Are you kidding me?  I'm off the hook!

It took me a minute to recover.  I sat in stunned silence and then was finally able to process this news.  Emma does have fluid, but he wants to give her time for her body to rid itself of it.  We go back in 2 months (if not sooner) and if the fluid is still there, we do tubes then.  Or, if we continue with ear infections before the 2 month point, we do tubes.

Although I was completely delighted that 1) my baby doesn't have ear mites, and 2) she doesn't have to be put to sleep in the immediate future, I am a little cautious with my delight.  I know how miserable she has been the last month.  I know the pain she has been in and I don't want her to experience it again.

I just pray that God will heal her ears completely and keep them well.  I know that HE has a plan for us, but I selfishly don't want it to include any pain for my baby.  I would rather endure the pain myself.

So, relieved I am by the fact that she doesn't have ear mites, I am not looking forward to the possibility of more ear infections in our future.  I am hoping that there aren't any, but after this month long one, I can't say my hope are very high.

But, at least tonight, I can rest knowing that there are no bugs... And, that will make any paranoid Mommy happy!