Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Make it Work

How do you have a melt down without coming across as throwing a tantrum?

I really need this answered after the day I have had!  After not much sleep, Chuck wakes me up to get Emma and her stuff ready to go to his parents' for the day.  I rushed around doing all that; finally got them out the door and began my day.

It started out good.  I had breakfast, changed the sheets on my bed, showered and straightened up in the kitchen.  It was definitely a productive morning.  Next, I went upstairs and began sewing.  I sewed all afternoon. I finished a shirt, that turned out really cute, then started on a burp cloth.  As I began working on the burp cloth, I realized that it literally had taken me HOURS to stitch out this one shirt!  I was a little annoyed, but decided to keep a positive attitude... 'You have to start somewhere,' I kept telling myself.  

You see, the machine I have, has a single needle and a very small embroidery area.  Not a problem most of the time because I have figured out how to manipulate it to maximize its abilities.  However, since launching my website,, I have had many, MANY orders come in.  Which is fantastic, but I wasn't quite prepared for this.  I honestly thought that I would just get a couple here and there to begin with and grow.  

So now, I have all of these orders, and a machine that is really for a casual sewer.  How in the world am I ever going to get it all done???? But, like I said, I have been repeating, 'You have to start somewhere.  You can do this.'  It became my mantra today.  I have been so determined to make this work; and I am still determined!

So, anyway, I was finishing up the burp cloth when Chuck called to say he and Emma were on their way home.  We talked about dinner options and then got off the phone.  Me, being the over-achiever, perfectionist that I am, began feeling guilty.  Emma had been gone all day, and I felt like I had accomplished nothing.  I hadn't gotten anything for dinner, my house was (and still is) a disaster, and I had finished only 1 shirt.  

Down the stairs I flew to the kitchen.  I began digging around, trying to come up with something for dinner.  Remembered that I had the stuff for Chicken and Rice.  So, I got my chicken going, ran around trying to straighten up the house a little, all the while I had a burp cloth finishing up upstairs.  I ran upstairs to unhoop it when I heard it finish, and there it began... The (fill in with your choice of adjective) thing had gotten hung up and the corner had been stitched to it.  After I had been so careful all day to make sure that I didn't let something like that happen.  Ugh!  I just had to walk away.  

So, I headed back down stairs to the kitchen to check on the chicken.  It was coming along ever so slowly.  So, I decided to start the rice.  I opened the bag, and was about to pour it in the water, when I realized that there were bugs in it.  This was the only rice I had in the house, and it took me 15 minutes to find it!  I was truly on the verge of a breakdown... A few tears actually escaped, but I was able to regain my composure.

I was about to walk out the door to go buy more rice when I realized that I had not been to the restroom all day long.  I made a quick detour to Emma's bathroom and there is where it all fell apart.  Chuck had told me the night before that the residue from Emma's oatmeal bath was disgusting.  I didn't think much of it and just said that I would clean it later.  I had totally forgotten about it until then... when I flipped on the bathroom light.  It was not oatmeal residue that was in the tub.  Well, it was, but that wasn't all that was there.  There was poop.  Lots and LOTS of P-O-O-P!  I honestly don't know how all of that came out of Emma!  

And, I know you're thinking, "How did you miss that?"  Well, have you ever seen an oatmeal bath?  It is super cloudy and has sometimes has lumps in it.  It is completely gross on its on, but add poop, and gag!  

So, anyway, at this point I am crying... I let my child play in poopy water.  I didn't get her out, clean out the tub and bathe her again like a good mother.  I put my baby to bed with poop germs all over her!  I sent my baby out of the house today without cleaning her up from a poopy bath.  Wait a minute!  She handed me a handful of poop last night and I just thought it was a big clump of oatmeal!   How did I miss that when I actually held the poop in my hand for a second before flushing it!?!?!  What kind of mother am I? And, I have been alone all day and accomplished nothing... Look at this house, I almost fed my family rice with bugs!

It was bad.  Really bad.  I haven't had a moment like that in a while.  So, I clean out the tub, about 6 times, tears running down my face the entire time.  

Then it hits me...  Chuck and Emma are about to be home...  I don't have dinner anywhere near ready... and I am crying...  If Chuck comes in and sees me like this, he'll think I am just having a temper tantrum because he won't get me a new machine...  He'll think I am being a childish brat...  I'm not being a childish brat... I do want a new machine... But I really need it... I want to make this business work... I want to be a success at something for once in my life.... I am so tired of being a failure... I am ready to work hard at this... I am determined to make it work with this machine I have now until I can get a bigger one... No, I give up... I am going to tell everyone that ordered, "Sorry, just not going to be able to make it happen..." I am going to just roll over and cry... I am once again a failure. 

Which spiraled into... Why did he marry me... He deserves better than me... Emma deserves better than me... They really would be better off without me... God, please just take me now... I have to get out of this house... 

So, I did.  I didn't get any further than backing out of the garage before I began to calm down and try to rationalize my thoughts.  I decided to go to the grocery store for some rice; just take a few minutes to get away from it all and breathe.  I cried as I walked through the grocery store.  I know that I was 'That Girl,' but I don't care.  Slowly, as I wandered from the bananas to the rice and through the dairy section, I began to take deeper breaths and the tears slowed.  

I realized that I really do 'have to start somewhere' and, so, this is where I will start... With a small machine for a casual sewer, pulling all nighters, but making it work.  

Slowly, but surely, I am going to make this work.