Secrets

Mommy, I hear his secrets!

Thoughts of Enough on a Summer night

I'm sitting out back in the cool breeze with a glass of wine, Adele playing on my iPhone and my thoughts. Talk about a wonderful summer night...

Luckily for me, I have babies who are the best sleepers, so I get to indulge myself. Jack has started sleeping though the night and he is just 8 weeks old!

He goes to bed by 7:30 and sleeps until 5:00. It is fantastic! And, even though it has me getting up early, it gives me some quality one-on-one time with him. It is in this hour, or sometimes two, before Emma awakes, that he coos and smiles constantly. He stares into my eyes and I fall even more in love with him.

Also, his early bedtime gives me some one-on-one time with Emma. And, this time is so precious. I don't get much time with just her these days. I try to, but with the demands of a baby, it doesn't always work out. I just hope that the time I do get with her is enough for her to know just how precious and special she is to me.

I guess it is natural, as a Mommy, to worry that you are giving enough to everyone... Making sure that everyone feels special. I know I do. I want everyone - my kids, my husband, my family, my friends - to feel like they are special to me. Because they are.

It's hard though. Or, at least it is for me. I have found that I fail more times than not. And that when I'm really honest with myself, I'm bothered by it more than the people I'm trying to make feel special. I have found that they feel loved, feel special, because of my desire to make them feel that way... Not necessarily because my desire to show them played out perfectly.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a group of ladies about this exact issue. We all talked about how we felt that we fell short far too often. And how we feel that we have failed as mothers/wives/daughters/sisters/friends/etc. And, during this discussion, one of these ladies said the most profound thing. She said that all she could do is what she is capable of and leave the rest to God. She talked about how she prayed that God would step in and love her family and friends for her when she had given all the love she could.

Wow.

I had never thought of this... Never thought to ask God to cover my shortcomings in this way. It is such a simple concept, and very much in line with what we as Christians are taught... Do what God has given you the ability to do and let him handle the rest... Because he can, and will, and does.

I always think to ask him to forgive and cover my shortcomings when it comes to sin. But, there are times when are shortcomings aren't really bad things... They are what they are. We, as humans, can only do so much, good or bad. And we have to trust that if we believe and ask God that He will take care of the rest.

Granted, I have trouble remembering this on a daily basis. Like I have said to Chuck and several close friends, I want to be Super Woman. I want to be able to do it all, perfectly, all by myself. And, unfortunately, or, rather, fortunately, when I take this approach, I fail. I say fortunately because if I didn't fail, I wouldn't be reminded of how much I need God. Of how prideful I can be. Of how I need to let go and trust.

It is human nature to want, to think that we can do things without help from others or from God. I know that I fall into this far too often. But, when I let it get the best of me, when I start beating myself up about how I'm not able to love enough, give enough, be enough... Enough of a mother for my kids, enough of a wife for my husband, enough of a daughter or friend, I try to think about my conversation with these ladies.

I try to remind myself that I am not enough, and that is perfectly okay because God fills in my gaps, or rather, massive craters and canyons, so that those I try to be 'enough' for have all that they need. And, when I remember this and truly trust in this, I'm at peace.

And, that my friends is what summer nights like tonight are for... Getting lost in thought and re-centered in my life and in my faith.

Hope you get lost and re-centered again soon!

jes

Jessica Alderman

www.myhappily-ever-after.blogspot.com